Letter to Santa from a Turkey Hunter

Dear Santa:

I’m writing late to you, but I have some ideas for turkey hunters for Christmas. See if you can cook them up:

1) A cheap pair of boots that are lightweight, warm and waterproof. Is it asking too much for a turkey hunter to have dry warm feet? Every pair of boots I get are either too hot, too cold, too heavy or they leak. If they don’t leak the day I get them, they’re leaking by the end of the first week.
2) A mouth call safe that hold onto calls that allows them to dry out between uses. I just hate opening up my little call safe and sucking on yesterday’s spit.
3) A Ben Lee Super Hen. It was a heck of a call– can’t find ’em anymore. EBAY has ’em but they’re too doggone expensive.
4) A cedar scratch box– don’t know why. I’d just like one.
5) Several pair of green hunting socks that don’t have red, white, or blue at the top. You’d think I was asking for the moon, going out looking for them.
6) I would like a pill that would make me smarter than a turkey for just 4 hours. After that, I could go back to being the way I am. It doesn’t have to be permanent. I could take it when I get up in the morning, go out and hunt and be certain I was at least as smart as the birds.
7) I want a shotgun that I can shoot behind me. I’m sick and tired of the turkeys sneaking up my backside and standing around behind the bushes and sniggering at me.
8) A portable one-man aerial tramway that runs off 2 D-Size batteries. I’m sick and tired of chasing turkeys down into the bottoms and then having to trudge back up. I figure some carbon nanotube cable and some exotic-magnet motor and the proper gearing, I should be able to hang some pullies off the cedars on the way down and have the thing hoist me back up.

Let me know if you need details. I’ll be happy to talk to the elves if they need assistance with the engineering.

The shaman
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