The shaman Invents the Future of Deer Hunting
It was Nosmo King, the shaman’s friend, who found him. The shaman had been missing for days. However, a package had arrived at deer camp, and promptly disappeared. It had been addressed to SHAMANIC ENTERPRISES. Everyone figured the shaman was up to something.
“There y’are.” said Nosmo. “Whatcha been up to buddy?”
“Oh,” said the shaman. “Hello, Nosmo. Nothing really. I’ve just been . . . INVENTING MY FUTURE!!! That’s all.” With that, the shaman held up a blinding piece of day-glow cloth.
“What is that?” said Nosmo, holding his hand up to shield his eyes.
“It’s my ticket to the big time ol’ buddy.”
“It’s my ticket to eye strain.” Replied Nosmo. “Put that thing down. What is it?”
“Well, you know about this whole flap about UV-suppressants I’ve been in?” said the shaman.
“Yeah.”
“It got me to thinking.” said the shaman. “Where’s the one place deer expect UV to be coming from?”
“I dunno.”
“Oh,” said the shaman. “I bet you do. What does everyone worry about in the summertime?”
“The cold cuts spoiling?”
“And?”
“Overheating the car?”
“And?”
“Getting out of the house before the wife asks when ya’ gonna mow the lawn?”
“And? By the way, how is Sofa?”
“She’s fine. She says Hi. I dunno man, you tell me.”
“Getting sunburn.”
“Not me.” said Nosmo. “I stay in the shade.”
“Okay.” said the shaman. “Maybe you don’t, but it is a concern, right?”
“All right,” said Nosmo. “I’ll spot you one.”
“And what causes the sunburn?”
“The sun?”
“And what part of the sun causes the burn?”
“The hot part?”
“What part of the light?”
“The bright part?”
“UV.”
“I’ve never been there.” said Nosmo.
“Where?”
“UV.” said Nosmo. ” I hear it’s a pretty place– been to Monticello.”
“No, not the University of Virginia! I mean Ultra-Violet radiation. That’s what causes sunburn.”
“Oh, I got you now. So how you gonna get rich off sunburn.”
“See,” said the shaman. “I finally figured out that folks have this all wrong. Most folks read about deer being sensitive to UV light, and then somebody says. ‘That’s bad. Here’s a bottle of stuff to make it go away.'”
“Yeah.”
“. . . and all of a sudden I got the idea: if deer are expecting UV to be coming from the sun, then what’s going to happen if I show up in a tree with clothes that don’t emit UV? I’m going to look like a big black blob against a bright sky.”
“You get used to that, man.” said Nosmo.
“No,” said the shaman. “My point is that you stand out. The point here is that deer EXPECT UV to be coming from the sky. So if I’m up in a treestand, I want my camo to look like part of the sky. That’s why I cooked up this new UV-RADIOACTIVE camo. You put this on, and it looks like just another part of the sky, only it’s got branches and such on it, so you blend into the trees.”
“Brilliant!!!” said Nosmo. He scratched his head. “I don’t get it.”
“Look, I researched this thing. Back in WWII they put bright lights on the undersides of aircraft so that the Germans would not see them fly over. As long as you had the lights bright enough, it blended in with the sky. It’s amazing, but you can hide something with bright light almost as easy as hiding it with color. I’m going out now to test this stuff.”
“It looks like a florescent clown suit.” said Nosmo.
“I know! Isn’t it great? It even has the state minimum of hunter orange worked into it.”
“You’re crazy.” said Nosmo. “Deer will run from you, man.”
“Out of my way!” said the shaman. “My destiny awaits!”
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The shaman was sitting by the fire sipping coffee. He looked pensive. He also looked bruised. His clothes were torn.
"What's the matter old man?" asked Nosmo, sitting down next to him.
"It was a failure." said the shaman.
"What?"
"My experiment with UV-radioactive stealth clothing." said the shaman. "This is all that's left." He held up an arm, there was a bright shred of fabric attached to his wrist.
"What happened to the rest of it?" asked Nosmo.
"Woodpeckers." said the shaman. "Woodpeckers. Squirrels. Raccoons. It was awful."
"I don't understand." said Nosmo.
"I got up in my treestand and put on these coveralls." said the shaman. "I'm just sitting there, waiting for the light to come up."
"Yeah?"
"And the first thing I noticed was that the cloth was so bright in the low light that I couldn't see the ground. I could see the trees against the sky, but that was about it. If I looked down, the reflection off the clothes was too much. It took until the sun was well up before things got bright enough for me to see anything below. About that time, I started seeing wildlife, and shortly after that, they started coming at me."
"Who did?"
"They all did." said the shaman. "I dunno. At first I thought it was an attractant, but the more I got into it, I realized the new UV clothing was an irritant. I didn't know animals were so sensitive to fashion statements. They ganged up on me. Luckily I was wearing some Carharts underneath. All of a sudden I had birds, squirrels– you name it. I even had a raccoon on my leg, gnawing at that suit."
"Maybe it was an attractant. Maybe they really like it."
"I doubt it." said the shaman. "After they chewed it off me, they all ganged up on the shreds of cloth and. . ."
"And what?"
"They defecated on them."
"I can still see this working for you, buddy." said Nosmo. "Instead of clothing, you can build a target decoy thingy and put it up. Did it attract deer?"
"I think so." said the shaman. "After I fell out of my stand, something came in and kicked the snot out of me. I don't think they liked it either. I was too busy fighting off the porcupines to really notice. One thing is for sure."
"What's that?"
"Anyone wearing UV-sensitive clothing in the woods sure knows it in a hurry. I've never seen such a reaction.