I’ve been thinking about this situation.  I’ve figured out something:  We need to outlaw matches, lighters and all manner of devices that start fires. This is the root of all that is evil in this country.  Arguments to the contrary are getting tired and unrealistic.  Look at the statistics:

http://www.cdc.gov/homeandrecreationalsafety/fire-prevention/fires-factsheet.html

Think of it.  We have advanced as a society far enough that we now have electric heaters to heat our homes.  We have self-lighting gas stoves. If we really need to set fire to something.  We need to call a qualified (and unionized) fireman to start one.  No more DIY, scab fires.  They are much too dangerous.  Children get killed.  This needs to be left to professionals.

Everyone will have 1 year to turn in all their matches.  They will receive a magnifying glass and an instruction book in return.  After one year, anyone found to have manufactured fire using a proscribed device will be imprisoned for no less than 2 years and subject to a $250,000 fine.

In order to carry out this new policy, we need to do a bunch of things:

1)  Hire a lot more firemen, they will now be responsible for lighting everyone’s fires.
2)  Raise taxes to pay for the firemen.
3)  Give extraordinary powers to the BATFE&M ( “&M” stands for “And Matches”)  to investigate possible violations.  They will now be able to enter homes and look for stray matches, and surf the web and read email looking for pictures of unsanctioned outdoor grillouts and free porn.
4)  Raise taxes even more to subsidize low-income families, who cannot afford new appliances that do not require matches.
5)  Write laws to prohibit Christians and Jews from using candles, but allow followers of Islam to burn down anything they want so long as it is done in the name of Allah.  Rastafarians can still use lighters to light their joints, but they will have to buy them from the BATFE&M.  When asked about the discrepancy, a trans-gender spokesman for the BATFE&M says it is because of the “Separation of Church and State.”

If a fire needs to be lit, there will be a BATFE&M website that you can use to sign up for the waiting list.  Once you navigate to the reservation system (well hidden in all the poorly written PERL by Pakistani web developers) you will find that the soonest a fireman can be out to you is sometime next year, but. . . drat, the system crashed.   You call the 800 number and find out the website requires that you run Internet Explorer 4.0 and a mutually incompatible version of JAVA and the current release can only be accessed by WIN 98 and below– or LINUX, if you have it.

You go down to the firehouse and stand in line, waiting for a fireman to come off shift.  Firemen are notorious for setting unsanctioned fires in their off hours, but they cost $20 for a visit.  The BATFE&M turns a blind eye, because the fireman’s union is a big contributor to the current ruling party.  The President has ordered a blue-ribbon commission to study the matter,  The commission is composed of retired firemen, the head of the fireman’s union and a naturalized citizen from Pakistan with strong ties to The Islamic Brotherhood  and a large software business back home in Islamabad.  No one knows how he got on the commission.  Oh, and Barbara Streisand is on the commission too— someone suggested her, because her latest movie is bombing and she needs the money.

There will be a licensing system to allow certain members of the public to own and operate matches.  Fees for a Class 3  license will cost $600, require a waiting period of a year and must be accompanied by a letter from the local fire marshal.  A slightly less restrictive Curio & Relic license will allow collectors of lighters and matches older than 100 years to trade amongst themselves.  A tax on all transfers will be assessed and a special form must be filled out and sent off to the BATFE&M for verification against a database of known pyromaniacs, Christians and members of uncooperative political parties.

In the basement of the J Edgar Hoover building in Washington, D.C, a pile of greasy rags begins to smoulder.  A fire erupts after several hours.  The fire spreads and soon consumes most of the residential sections of the city, because the firemen now have Tuesdays off– a recommendation of the new commission..  The President, vacationing somewhere, is notified of the situation. That Hoover building was a stinking eyesore anyway and they were going to turn it down.  He tells his chief of staff to blame the Christians for it all. He needs the land for his new public works projects anyway.  The entire city eventually goes up in flames, including the massive 20 acre BATFE&M complex.  When the fire reaches the warehouse of confiscated matches and butane lighters, the resulting explosion takes out the Capitol and the White House.  Bo, the President’s dog, is saved from the flames, sacrificing a marine guard in the process and the country breathes a sigh of relief.

. . . I wake up with a start.  It is just before Christmas.  There is a dusting of snow on the ground. I get up and light a fire in the fireplace and drink my coffee.  It was all a bad dream.

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